he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
