I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Randomize
