literally had 100 drinks last night.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
don't judge my taste in strippers
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