I have demons in me.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
