This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Randomize
