capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
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It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
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Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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