she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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