We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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