He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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