I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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