Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
never play flip cup with pint glasses
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
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