Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize