Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
