SEEEEXXX PLEASE
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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