Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
