I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
