Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
