Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
