non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
