If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
