I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Are we still banned from the library?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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