Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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