Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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