How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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