I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
