I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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