I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
