.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
