The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize