im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
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I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
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I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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