my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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