I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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