True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
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