after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
