You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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