no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
Randomize
