u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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