this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
