Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
