bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.