my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
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She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
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You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"