Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?