btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
