I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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