my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize