mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
