i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
The air was thick with penises
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
