bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
