He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
