We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Green mimosas i think yes
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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