walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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