rhymes with "ouble enetration"
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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