you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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