We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
