we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
