You're so nebulous sometimes
He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
