I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
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