Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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