I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
