I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
i think i scared a bird with my dick
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
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