So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
