Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
